Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Growing up, confession was a big part of being Catholic. I remember as a kid being terrified to go into the dark confessional to speak into the screen to a man I couldn't see and tell him all my sins so I could be forgiven and once again be a good person. I was so afraid of what my potential penance might be that I often made up my sins, figuring if I didn't really do them then I was not required to do the penance, sort of a reverse twist on if you did the crime, you must do the time. If I didn't do the crime, well you can fill in the blank for the rest. Not really the point of the whole exercise, but I guess it made sense in my ten year old brain.

Psychology Today defines forgiveness as the release of resentment or anger. Reconciliation is defined as becoming friendly again after an argument or making opposing ideas agree.

In dialogue, reconciliation refers to coming to terms with something that has happened in the past, through the forgiveness of ourselves or other. Before you can reconcile, you must forgive. Desmond Tutu believed in four steps to forgiveness: tell the truth, express the pain, forgive and finally renew or let go of the relationship. Once this happens, then you can reconcile.

As I live near New York City, I felt the impact 9-11 had on my community. My son, who was born in 2001, went to school with children who had lost a parent that day. It was a sad and tragic day in our nation's history. It lead to a war on terror and the invasion of Afghanistan. It also led to an uptick in the hate crimes against Middle-Easterners, or those perceived to be from the Middle-East. It set the tone for the hate that continues to this day.

I often wonder if instead of the never forget slogan associated with 9-11, we had tried forgiveness and reconciliation. We managed to reconcile with Japan, even after we dropped two nuclear bombs on their country and interned Japanese-American citizens. It was not an easy process, but in 1951, both countries signed a treaty for "peace and reconciliation".

We have a complex relationship with forgiveness and as a country, tend to be more punitive than curative. We can see this in our penal system. We send people to jail to pay their debt to society, and yet when they are released, that payment still continues with the baggage of being an ex-con affecting every part of their life, including employment, housing and often being an outcast in their community.

I think sometimes forgiveness is seen as a sign of weakness when really it allows you to move forward in a positive way. This process takes time, but we can begin by starting with ourselves. Once we learn to forgive ourselves we can move on to each other.