Principle Eight:
Contribute to Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Reconciliation is the act of coming to terms with something that has happened in the past. Dialogue provides the space to overcome disappointments or difficulties and face future challenges in a constructive way. Borhan draws on Desmond Tutu’s four steps to forgiveness which are: tell the truth, express the pain, forgive and finally renew or let go of the relationship. Tutu believed forgiveness is a conscious choice we make (Borhan, 2023).
Ask your client about something they should forgive others or themselves. It could be a misdeed, something we failed to achieve or something that simply did not go the way we would have liked.
The activity below uses the four steps to forgiveness as a way to learn forgiveness and reconciliation.
Activity:
Have your client think about a situation in the past, be it a misdeed, something they did not achieve or something that did not go the way they liked.
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Tell the truth: honestly describe the situation, how it happened, who was involved and what was the outcome.
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Express the pain: honestly describe the emotions that were felt.
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Forgive: understanding the why can help with learning to let go. Use the below prompts to answer questions about the situation:
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Pressure: what was the situational pressure that caused the person to behave the way they did or the situation to occur in the first place?
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Past: what were the background factors that contributed to the behavior or situation?
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Personality: what events in the person’s life lead to the personality they have?
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Provocations: what were your own provocative behaviors? Was seen as the provocateur from the other’s point of view?
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Renew or let go of the relationship: Once the truth is told, the pain is expressed and forgiveness granted, the individual will be able to decide it they wish to start the relationship again or to let it go.
(Borhan, 2023).
Remind your client that forgiveness and reconciliation is not something that happens in the moment. It takes commitment, reflection and time. It is an intentional act and there should not be an expectation of instant achievement.